Reflections on Rumi's Poem "Who Am I"

From the Ashes of Pain and Loss

I’ve been searching for the courage to explore generational trauma after losing my brother Mark to suicide last year. We were raised by a beautiful mother who was tortured with lifelong depression, and Mark and I often discussed how her depression had affected our lives. At the start of this year, I found my voice a bit in reaction to Suleika Jaouad’s prompts in her fantastic Isolation Journals, this poem in response to Rumi’s ruminative Poem “Who Am I?, reflecting upon my place in the family story.

I rose from the ashes of pain

Of history

Of legacy

What will I be?

Did they suffer for me?

Do I suffer for them?

His face glows when he says my name

I want to love Him back

But I need to love myself first

How do I do that with ashes at my feet?

The smoky gray pile of them around me

Wafting into my eyes and nose

I can’t breathe 

Or find the words I want to say

On the wounds I need to heal

Or the history I will change